Impulse-dominated personalities, the demo graph of the damned.This story is old. It’s the oldest story we know, the taking of the forbidden fruit and the consequent fall of man. That of which we do not think of in the moment, we may be doomed to suffer for all time.
Impulsivity is the antithesis of self-control.
It is a dire weakness that strikes at the very heart of being human. For is not power over the flesh what separates us from animals? If one is driven by every whim and pull of the treacherous desire of the heart how is that one truly human? How is one truly free?
I too, have favoured the present for the future. I believe this to be the at the core of the diagnosis. This reflection of instability is paired with rash actions to contend against our emotions. Large fires need vast amounts of waters. If one cannot extinguish them he will jump from the windows. The window may have a perilous drop, but that pales against the pain of fire. To speculators these exterior maladaptive practises seem fierce, unnecessary and foolish. However, all men assume that dogma of which everyone possesses the same internal architecture.
Those who deceive do not trust, those who are kind are often naive.
We who act first and think later suffer dire consequences. We do not associate our future selves with our present selves. Although granted, it is not as if we lack the capacity for future imagination, but just as the one who jumps from a burning building, our present eclipses our future. This delusion is a practiced art. Intensity of suffering forces our hand, but that suffering is at best mitigated to the future and at worst multiplied for hidden nefarious consequences. We learn lessons the hard way, as the saying goes. Still to this day I practice that of which I do not wish. I think in words, yes, words that attack each other. Endless rumination cycles between two narratives to do or to do not. Often I will participate in the maladaptive practice to quiet that voice which beckons me so. Of course, this voice is soon dissolved to the tyrant of guilt.
Theres nothing more painful than having front row seats to every thought and action ever erroneously executed.
It could be food, drugs, alcohol or a toxic relationship. Pick your poison, for there are many. And intoxication comes in many forms. It promises you freedom while secretly enslaving you. They are under your will and to be used at your discretion, or is that really so? I know the that reserve of will power is finite and limited. Perhaps suffering commands so much of our dynamic force that we are left with little reserves to defend against temptation? Maybe I am being to kind? I never know that line between self forgiveness or correct shame. I tend to oscillate between two extremes.
Just like fire, uncontrolled emotions can prove devastating. They can smear ash and charcoal across the burnt landscape of your life. However, on a cold night? It could provide warmth or the ability to cook food. Those with this disorder, or specific neurological type, have larger qualities of fuel available to spark at the whim of triggers and emotions. Therefore, one should practice caution for rash decisions can have consequences that span across the rest of our lives.
Along the harrowing spectrum of the BPD disorder, one feels much negative emotion. It could be the intertwined feeling of shame connected to every perceived inadequacy and failure. The world crushing despair of rejection or simply the inner architecture of our mind. This organ, the most sophisticated machinery in the universe, capable of so much wonder and ideals, yes, this powerful force is bent on our own destruction.
There is no geographical solution to a psychobiological problem.
And there we have it. We cannot escape our minds so we use substances to change them. Perhaps it is the fear of socialising? I, although an INFJ ambivert, you see, anxious isn’t quite the word. Our A-typical neurology makes environments overstimulating so I can’t hear what people are saying correctly. Its like I’m partially deaf as I keep echoing my attempts to confirm their words. I notice this disorder overlaps some autistic symptoms. It could be the sound of car engines outside, their body language, the pictures along the walls of a new room or perhaps the main problem, a multitude of energy from other people in the room. I struggle to concentrate, all this stimuli washes over me simultaneously. So this fear of social ineptitude while not coming from a social deficit, more of an overuse of CPU. I find it very embarrassing to not understand people, so I will take prescription drugs to provide a well of comfort to draw upon.
If I wanted to get all DSM on you, then the reason for impulsivity is that I am attempting to regulate my emotions through a maladaptive mechanism. Or in my case even a perceived emotional dysregulation for the future. Even if I’m able to cope with the environment I take something anyway, just in case. Rather get caught with it than without it, as the rappers say. However, as Buddhism through the medium of DBT has taught me, we cannot eliminate suffering, we only transmute it.
Here's an example:
I recently drove from a holiday in the UK. It was a five hour road trip. I suffer with back pain from a weightlifting incident years back (something I also did to excess in an attempt to flee from emotional pain.) I took MST tablets which eliminated the physical pain. This transmuted to constipation which led to a urine infection. I went hospital, they gave me antibiotics this led to severe stomach pain and this led to taking Gaviscon which led to further stomach pain.
Here's the point: impulsive measures can lead to short term solutions, however these mechanisms of regulation will come back to haunt you. I know not how, when or where, only that they will. Interestingly, knowledge doesn’t always translate to behaviour change. There are many things I still do which I on a logical level understand are not helpful, and I can outline in detail many planes of behaviour and thought where I am going wrong.
Here's the thing, reason and logic are not in the same dimension as emotion. Hence abstract art. It’s a little like trying to describe colours to a blind man. It doesn’t make sense, but it doesn’t make it any less true. Mathematics for example, technically doesn’t exist, however, you could make an argument it is more real than the ‘real world’. I don’t want to get all matrix on you, but it’s something worth thinking about.
Self control is: “restraint exercised over one’s own impulses, emotions or desires”; “the act, power or habit of having one’s faculties or energies, especially the inclinations and emotions under control”
Imagine driving a race car compared to a normal ford fiesta. The driver would need much more skill while in the former. So too, those with this disorder need more skill at containing something with more power, that is the larger force of our emotion. This is what the majority of the therapy for this demographic is designed for. Behavioural change and skills to cope with what we struggle with most.
Eating disorders are prevalent among those with this complex disorder and I think it has something to do with our lack of control over our lives and the crippling shame we feel. Most people feel guilt, which is that we have done something wrong, while shame, is that we are wrong. This can dramatically descend and twist towards suicidal ideation. Just like a snowball will gather more material the further it moves and stars and planets the larger their mass the larger their gravitational pull so too pain attracts more pain. Money begets money, violence begets violence. I know not which law of physics this is but my intuition tells me this is true on every level of reality, from stars to atoms, thoughts to actions.
I stole a sewing machine in my dreams the other night. I wonder what Jung would of made of that? I think the parable is this: You cannot bend reality, and you will always reap what you sow.
As I leave the twilight of my twenties and my strength wanes against the forces of intoxicants and an eating disorder, I am learning this…
I just want to say it does not escape me the hypocritical ethos these essays carry. I suppose I can only write what I am motivated to write, therefore writing things that directly affect me and thinking through my problems are directly aligned to my interests. I do not want to imply omniscience nor that I am on top of everything and even if that utopian delusion does whisper to me I know these problems are fluid and not static. With that said…
As with all habits and powers that are both seen and unseen we can make them stronger with practice. As with repetition and progressive overload one can enlarge the human muscle so too we can make stronger the force of our human will. If you visit a park or public meadow you will see the natural paths that humans and animals tread and naturally follow for the path of less resistance, so too, neurology works similar. It is the replication of reality from the cosmos to the micros. The more you practice control the better you get at it. Start small, get regular and make sure to reward yourself for goals no matter how small they are. This recalibration of the internal reward system can reorientate you. Just like the smoker who cut down his cigarettes one by one per-day has a better chance to complete abstinence so too we can achieve mastery over ourselves, with time, patience and fortitude.
Seeing dangers ahead came protect you also. If you struggle with gambling perhaps LA isn't the best place for you? So too having the assertive skills to decline social events if you struggle with alcoholism helps too. Remember, saying no is a place of power.
Routine helps too. If this disorder is the master of chaos and quicksand then routine can provide a foundation to quell anxiety and provide the comfort of the known and mitigate the fear of the unknown. This removal of negative emotion may help you foster some positive and in turn reduce the necessity of acts that provide immediate comfort at the expense of the longitude.
Using you intuition is great here too. Granted, while those that suffer under the hand of this undulating disorder might scoff at such a concept due to the unreliability of our whims and sensations. It can help. Ask yourself the question how do I feel? Wait for your answer, not what you want the answer to be but what your true intuitive answer is. Many a time I lie to myself about not being tired, however if I keep pushing my body eventually I will feel so terrible I will turn to a substance for comfort. This emotion wheel may help:
Let reason, not emotion, dictate your behaviour and thoughts for all come from one organism and one soul. You cannot reason that your thoughts are separate and therefore exempt from the your powers of will and control if you hate someone in your heart it will seep out from you perhaps verbally, through the stiffness of your face or all out assault. Where there is smoke there is fire, always.
May you continue to wage the fine warfare against the forces of this personality disorder.
Sincerely,
Alfred.